A Bold New
Direction
Snake Oil. Whale Oil. Horse Power. The Future Is Burning.
Press Release
Introducing
Refuelling Aotearoa
After 'crunching the numbers' and adding in new sources of 'New Zealand-made energy' to our equations, CEO Mike Casey says he has been forced to change the name of Rewiring Aotearoa to Refuelling Aotearoa.
There has been a huge amount of independently verified research showing electrification beats fossil fuels on economics, efficiency, emissions and energy security and that there is a huge opportunity for New Zealand to electrify, but the discovery of an almost infinite supply of snake oil in New Zealand has changed everything, he says.
We may not have snakes in New Zealand now, but we have managed to make what is the largest snake oil discovery in the nation's history. It turns out what we've been needing this whole time is not cheap renewables, but cheap snake oil.
Mike Casey, CEO
Energy Sovereignty
"We are all about energy sovereignty here at Refuelling Aotearoa. Just one third of all LPG is now imported and all of our petrol and diesel comes in on ships — hopefully — from other sovereign nations. That's classic energy sovereignty right there."
The Horse & Carriage Initiative
Casey points out that grass is also New Zealand-made energy, so the organisation will be shifting its focus away from electrifying as many of the country's 4.5 million petrol and diesel light vehicles as possible and ensuring the horse and carriage is brought back to dominance on our roads.
Whale Oil Renaissance
"We will also be trying to bring back whale oil for all our lamps. There will be a few deaths and many health problems from the toxic cetacean and serpent fumes in homes, but obviously we'll make sure we tell people to crack a window."
Casey says that for too long he has relied on his own personal experience as a cherry orchardist who relies on 21 electric machines, creates around 90% of the energy required to run them on his farm, and saves around $50,000 every year by avoiding diesel. He says he has also been led astray by the almost universally positive stories from thousands of New Zealanders. "They're obviously being paid by anti-snake people."Mike Casey, CEO — Refuelling Aotearoa
Snake oil has been shown to create absolutely quite a few emissions when burned.
But it's fine because I heard on YouTube that it actually helps plants grow. Isn't nature amazing! I find the people going on about climate change exhausting. Just because 99.9% of the peer reviewed research supports the need for us to get off fuels doesn't mean a V8 isn't cool.
Mike Casey, CEO
Hypothetical Snake Oil
Deposits
Technical Survey — Totally Real Data
Casey says he has always loved the "sweet, sweet smell of expensive petrol in the morning" and regularly daubs it on his Swanndri before important meetings. He also uses a diesel-based face scrub every day to keep his skin glistening.
"This was my secret shame when I was CEO of Rewiring Aotearoa. But now I can embrace it as the CEO of Refuelling Aotearoa. It smells like the future."
On reflection, Casey says Rewiring Aotearoa's definition of New Zealand-made energy was foolish and its goals were impossible to achieve.
"I have never heard of new technologies coming along and overtaking older technologies. It just doesn't happen. New Zealand, a tiny nation at the bottom of the world with huge snake oil deposits, relatively convenient access to whale oil (unless you're a whale), lots of grass, and declining gas reserves, needs to double down on the kind of New Zealand-made energy you can import, burn or feed to horses. The direction of travel is clear: things are about to go up in flames and there's going to be about as much 'abundant oil and gas' as there would be after a night on the loaded nachos at my local Tex Mex restaurant."
Casey says the decision to reverse course has nothing to do with the two-week, all-expenses paid trip to the Cayman Islands he was taken on by his "trusted friend" Old Man Gas, the anonymous $200 million donation that came with a request to 'please shut up about all this electric stuff', or the promise of 'north of a billion' for a new snake oil import terminal just in case the domestic snake oil runs out earlier than expected.
Annual General Meeting — 11:59 AM, April 1
Refreshments include snake oil smoothies and grass-fed horse d'oeuvres
Wait. This isn't real.
If you think this is real, we need to talk. If you know this is an April Fools' joke — nice one. Now read about our actual New Zealand-made energy strategy. Significantly fewer snakes. Absolutely zero whale oil.
Read the real strategy →